Nov 19 2008
The Fallen
It is quite contradictory to write like this publicly being a a self professed fallen. As it were I am about as cut off from social relations and contact as can be aside from exchanging formalities with people when I am out and about and I am not overly eager to go about making a bunch of friends either. I wasn’t completely aware of my situation until about a year ago and only had very vague, unrealized inclinations that I spent no time to reflect upon or to really feel and acknowledge that this something was actual something very real and somewhat significant. It all began in college. And what an anomaly I am from my college with the slogan “make friends for life here.” I was caught up in the recruiting machinery of a frat house, had beers and drugs shoved in my face and lo and behold my destiny was set to reside in the house for the rest of my time at college. And what an outsider I was. I had functional talk with people around but nothing remotely close to a friendship, a sustained relation, and nothing beyond a very shallow acknowledgment of my presence. What it came down if I may use a metaphor is like oil and water residing right next to each other but never mixing. And since that time I have not spoken a word to anyone. Ha! What a loser you must be thinking, someone comes onto the net and writes about the fact that he has absolutely no social skills and telling a tale about how he has no friends. I have never met an outsider like myself as people like me don’t seem like they would ever meet each other, and not they I am a whining, lonely, little puss rocket; I am quite settled in my isolation and solitude. Of course groups of people abounded partying together, laughing together, blah blah blah, and I always found myself silent, disconnected and drinking alone right in the middle of the pink electric light of youth and “the best times of ones life” etc. And one of my cousins goes off to Spain on trip with a bunch of her friends, and another cousin goes of to college with a bunch of his friends and asks me when I tell him I am planning a trip to Mexico, “So who are you traveling with? Friends?” This last summer I frequented a swimming hole regularly and never once did I see another person there solo and parties here and there through the entire summer as I walked through my neighborhood. And how absent solitude, loners and lone wolfs are in every day culture. If it is so common for people to form groups and friendships how strange and improbable that I am so isolated. One explanation is that my parents are about as isolated as I am except they of course are with each other every moment they aren’t being sprockets in the grand machine or working and have a few acquaintances here and there. But whatever the explanation I deem myself a fallen.
